These earthquake-proof beds will bury you alive in comfort

Earthquakes. Humanity’s oldest foe. Right up there with snakes, fire, and other humans when it comes to things that will definitely probably kill you some day. Which is why you need one of these terrifying earthquake-proof beds. In the event of a quake, your conspicuously massive four-poster will simply swallow you up whole, letting you get back to sleeping while the world itself shatters around you.

You even get a choice of how you’re entombed. There’s the classic false-bottom mattress, where you’re dropped to safety; one I’m calling “The Magician’s Trunk,” where a lid slams shut on you; and even a gull-wing version for those not afraid of having their limbs severed right before they’re locked in a metal tomb. Don’t worry though, as long you’re listening to some chill trip hop, you probably won’t go into shock from blood loss.

Obviously, there are a lot of questions here, starting with who designed these damn things, why did they think it would be a good idea, and how do you go to the toilet? Gizmodo suggests that the concept is the work of Chinese inventor Wang Wenxi, who apparently patented the idea for an earthquake-proof bed back in 2010. There are also some videos on YouTube showing what looks like an earlier real-life prototype of the design, but it’s difficult to track down the origins of this particular video.

Personally, though, my money’s on alien plot. The beds are aliens, their creator is an alien, and one by one humanity will be scared into buying our own metal tombs which will turn on us in the night en masse, trapping us for one last nap. Still, it’s better than being killed by an earthquake.